How To Grow Your Marriage

4 ways you can strengthen your marriage

When you said, “I do,” you meant it. You looked the love of your life in the eyes and promised that you would cherish and respect them, put them first, and forsake all others to choose them, even in poverty or sickness. But when the hard times actually come, you might wonder if your promise was premature. You didn’t know it would be like this.

Whatever it is that’s testing the strength of your marital bond—business, financial hardship, upended plans, or the constant demands of children—know that you are not alone. Every marriage will go through these seasons, and it doesn’t mean that you made a mistake. Here are four ways you can strengthen your marriage even when the challenges of life are present:

Believe the best. Don’t assume the worst.

It's easy to assume that you know what your spouse is thinking and feeling. We ascribe ulterior motives to their actions and negatively interpret what they say and do. When tensions rise and it’s more important than ever to stand together as a team, we’re prone to assume the worst and let it divide us.

As a married couple, remember you are one flesh (Genesis 2:24). In a mystery we can’t fully grasp, God sees husband and wife as one with each other. So when you assume the worst or make your spouse your enemy, you’re not just harming them. You are also harming yourself.

Start with a posture of believing the best about your spouse. 1 Corinthians 13:7 says love believes all things. When we choose to believe the best about our spouse, we demonstrate this love. If you’re confused or unsure about their motives, ask for clarification. Take time to understand how the stress of the situation is impacting them. We are quick to excuse our bad behavior; for example, “I didn’t mean it that way. I just haven’t had a full night’s sleep in months and so everything is coming across as short and abrupt.” Extend your spouse the same benefit of the doubt. In what ways is your spouse currently struggling emotionally, relationally, spiritually, physically, or vocationally? How can you encourage them in the midst of it?

Challenge: Pay attention throughout the day to any assumptions you are making and challenge automatic negative thoughts.

Keep short accounts.

Just as dirty dishes can quickly get out of hand if you don’t take care of them throughout the day, letting frustrations build up without dealing with them can quickly lead to a mountain so big it seems impossible to tackle. Instead of keeping a mental list of ways your spouse has wronged or annoyed you, address your frustrations with your spouse directly. Couples often come to our marriage ministry, Re|engage, with years and years of undealt with bitterness and malice. Things that might have been manageable on their own become massive and insurmountable.

In Ephesians 4:26 the Apostle Paul writes, “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger.” This doesn’t mean every argument or conflict needs to be resolved before you fall asleep at night. However, it does mean that couples should make sure they’re not allowing unresolved conflict to lead to sin.

A few verses later in Ephesians 4:31, Paul says “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.” Keeping short accounts doesn’t necessarily fix every problem, but it prevents bitterness from setting in. When you keep short accounts, you’re also more likely to believe the best about your spouse (see #1 above).

Challenge: Deal with any unresolved conflict you have with your spouse.

Prioritize time together and time apart.

You can grow and protect your marriage by both connecting daily and by giving each other some space. In times of high stress, however, this becomes very difficult. Maybe you are both so busy you barely see each other in passing, or maybe a situation has you stuck in close proximity with no way to take a breather.

This can be challenging, especially if you have young kids, but look for ways to prioritize intentional time together as a couple. You’re going to have to say “no” to some good things to make time for better things. Carve out some couch time at night to catch up on your day and share how you’re doing. Even if you spend a lot of time in the same physical space, you may not have much intentional time together as a couple. Try to figure out what works best for you and your spouse. At the same time, make sure you each get some alone time. A great way to serve and express love to your spouse is to take the kids so your spouse can have some quiet time, or encourage them to take time to work out, pray, or meet with a friend.

Challenge: Work together to plan ways to intentionally schedule both time together and time apart.

Share what the Lord is teaching you.

When insecurity, pride, or business get in the way, it can be really hard for married couples to share what they’re learning with each other. If there’s anyone in the world we should be able to be completely vulnerable with, it’s our spouse. Genesis 2:25 says Adam and Eve were naked without shame. This means they were physically, emotionally, and spiritually open with each other. There was no guilt, shame, or insecurity between them.

However, with the fall in Genesis 3, this all changed. Every married couple since Adam and Eve has struggled to be vulnerable and real with each other. If you want your marriage to be a blessing during hard times instead of an additional stressor, you have to be open and honest with each other spiritually. Share with each other what God is teaching you. Be humble and listen. Remind your spouse that hope is found in Jesus, not in financial security, present circumstances, or even each other. Pray together as a couple—it's an amazing way to deepen spiritual intimacy.

Note: This is all assuming that you’re devoting daily and spending time with the Lord on your own. Check out our daily devotional app, Join the Journey, or investigate our online equipping classes (which are now free and available to your church). A healthy marriage starts with you and Jesus as you devote daily.

Challenge: Tomorrow, share with your spouse what God is teaching you. Take each other’s hands and pray together.

This hard time will either grow your marriage or tear it apart. How are you going to steward this opportunity?