How To Counsel Couples Who Have Filed For Divorce

Oct 26, 2022 · 6 min

Since marriage depicts Christ’s union with the church, divorce is one of the most visceral illustrations of sin’s destruction. There’s a reason divorce is widely considered one of the most stressful and painful life events; Christianity is built on God’s unbreakable covenant to us, a love beautifully pictured in the covenant relationship of marriage. Severing a covenant union is never God’s best, and the consequences are always devastating.

Despite all of this, divorce is heartbreakingly common in the church, with evangelical Christians divorcing at almost identical rates as non-Christians (28% vs 20%; Pew Research). Sometimes this is because churches fail to ascribe to marriage the importance it deserves, or because hard-hearted congregants refuse to be shepherded. But sometimes it is a last resort for victims of domestic violence. Sometimes one spouse pushes for divorce against the other’s wishes. How can pastors affirm the sanctity of marriage in these situations while still ministering to people walking through divorce? What is the divorce process, and how can the church navigate it with both compassion and conviction?

Ideally, before you ever find yourself in this situation, you will know where you stand. Familiarize yourself with your church’s position on divorce and remarriage. Under what circumstances, if any, is it permissible? How do you justify this position using Scripture? If your church does not have an official stance, this is a good time to begin developing one.

Step 1: Assess the Situation

A key first step is to assess the situation. Make sure that you have all the facts before giving quick counsel or rushing into action.

What is the current relationship status?
Why are they divorcing?
Do both spouses want divorce?
Are both spouses believers?
How would people close to the couple characterize their respective relationships with Christ?
What do they believe about the morality of divorce?

If you discover any safety issues, address them immediately. You can often help develop a safety plan and remove people from dangerous situations without initiating divorce proceedings.

Step 2: Slow Down & Offer Perspective

When you are confident no one is in immediate danger, it’s time to slow everything down. Strong emotions can create a false sense of urgency when in fact, there is often no downside to waiting. If they don’t file now, they can always file later. Your job as a third party is to help provide a different perspective. Since all safety concerns have been dealt with, taking enough time for prayer, consideration, and counsel is prudent. Tell them that one of the best ways to prevent divorce is to simply decide that it is not an option. If they are receptive, that resolution can move your focus back to addressing the underlying issues.

Slowing things down does not mean dismissing the seriousness of the situation or the pain they feel. It's important to acknowledge the unimaginable difficulty they are experiencing and to point them to God's redeeming power to bring them through it. Encourage them to bring him their grief and turmoil.

During this time of consideration, do your best to recommend other options. If there are any steps that can be taken prior to divorce to try to save the marriage, the gravity of this decision demands that they be taken first. Divorce makes life harder, not easier. If children are involved, divorce doesn’t even remove a difficult spouse from the picture; it just increases tension and hostility.

Some preliminary steps might include:

• temporary separation
• a marriage restoration ministry like re|engage
• counseling
• weekend intensives

Step 4: Review Your Church’s Statement on Marriage and Divorce

If nothing has worked and divorce still seems to be the only option, review your church’s statement on marriage, divorce, and remarriage with the couple (or congregant, if only one spouse is under your spiritual care). In light of what is outlined there, do they still believe that divorce is spiritually justified? Point to the vow they made in front of God to be together until death, no matter the cost. Can they break that promise while following Jesus? If they recognize that it is not the right decision but choose to move forward with it anyway, do they understand the spiritual ramifications?

Step 5: Legal Counsel

If divorce proceedings continue at this point, you might recommend a lawyer. While the divorce process varies by state, generally, people undergoing divorce need legal representation by a family lawyer. Ideally, this will be a Christian who believes reconciliation is God’s best and will only initiate or accelerate divorce proceedings with a clear understanding of the weight of what is being done. Consider lawyers from your congregation or whose character can be vouched for by someone you trust. If one of the spouses does not want the divorce, they should not feel obligated to speed up the process. That does not mean antagonizing the divorce-minded spouse, but rather, standing at the line of reconciliation and lovingly praying for their spouse to join them there.

Step 6: Keep Hope Alive

Finally, encourage them to hold out hope for change and reconciliation, even if the divorce ends up being finalized. Divorce does not have to be a closed door. Challenge statements like “I could never be with her again” with, “But could you be with a version of her that looks more like Jesus? Do you believe that God can change her heart? Change yours? Is your view of God too small?” We have seen many couples get divorced and then remarry after God does a transformative work in them.

Fighting for a marriage looks different after a divorce. Though they might not have ongoing communication with the former spouse, they can continue working on issues that led to the divorce through a discipleship recovery program like re:generation, and deepen their own relationship with God through church and small group involvement. Most importantly, they should never stop praying for restoration and reconciliation.

Final Thoughts

Friend, we're encouraged that you took the time to read this article. Walking with someone through divorce takes time, care, and strength. As a friend or pastor, your job is to counsel wisely and comfort compassionately. A turn-key marriage ministry like re|engage can help support you as it allows trained volunteers to share the burden of marriage counseling (2 Peter 1:3). Ultimately, it's important to remember that it is God who saves marriages. Keep serving your flock faithfully, knowing that the Father is loving and trust him with the outcome.