Stop Arguing: The Speaker-Listener Technique

Unfortunately, arguments are often based on misunderstandings rather than actual disagreements—and our closest relationships, with the people who know us best, are often the ones most riddled with miscommunication. We assume we know each other so well that we don’t need to bother clarifying our intentions. We relax the way we communicate. This is especially true between spouses.

Lack of intentionality in communication will always tend toward misunderstanding, due to our natural sin tendencies and common negative communication patterns. Your brain is trying to make the argument more efficient by skipping steps, but it’s backfiring in a big way. The result is that you don’t really hear what the other person is trying to say. You might interpret it in the most negative way possible, when in reality that’s not what they meant at all.

If you want to get unstuck and end these unproductive arguments, you’re going to have to try a different way of communicating. We’re not talking about smoke signals or semaphore; just a simple method to use in conversations when you really need to understand each other.

What is the Speaker-Listener Technique?

The Speaker-Listener technique gives structure to conversations. A form of active listening, it gives each person turns as both the “speaker” and the “listener,” as well as simple rules to follow while in each role. The technique is designed to ensure that both people are fully heard and understood. And yes, it can feel unnatural. But as we’ve seen, doing what comes naturally doesn’t tend to produce the best results.

This technique was developed by Scott Stanley and friends in Fighting for Your Marriage and A Lasting Promise), but it’s based on what God’s Word has to say about communication. The Bible tells us to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry (James 1:19), and to listen to (Proverbs 18:13) and understand (Proverbs 18:2) each other before responding. This technique is an effective way to put that into practice.

Speaker-Listener Technique Rules

Here are the “rules” that define how the Speaker-Listener technique works:

For Both People:

• At any given time, one person plays the role of “Speaker” and one the role of “Listener.” Whoever is currently the “Speaker” has the floor.
• Over the course of a conversation, the floor should be shared equally between both people. Each of you takes turns being the Speaker and the Listener.

For the Speaker:

• Articulate what you, yourself, are feeling and thinking. Don’t put words into the other person’s mouth or make assumptions about what they are feeling or thinking. Speak for yourself and rely on “I” statements when conveying information.
• Keep things short and to the point.
• Stop often and allow the Listener to paraphrase your thoughts as they heard them.
• After the Listener paraphrases your thoughts, either confirm that they heard you correctly or clarify if it appears they are misinterpreting you or missing something you meant to communicate.
• Continue this process until you feel understood as the Speaker.

For the Listener:

• Actively listen to the Speaker. Fight the urge to zone out or spend your time preparing a response.
• Don’t interrupt, provide rebuttal, or defend yourself and your actions. That also extends to non-verbal communication: avoid rolling your eyes, sighing, or using other body language to show that you disagree with the Speaker or do not respect their opinion.
  
• After the Speaker finishes a thought and pauses, paraphrase back what you heard them say in your own words.
  
• Once you understand the Speaker’s perspective, and both of you agree that they are being heard correctly, switch places. You become the Speaker, and they become the Listener.

Speaker-Listener Example

Here's how this can look in practice:

Husband (as the Speaker): I know you said you wanted to get a new minivan, but I think it would be wiser to get a used car instead.

Wife (as the Listener): So, what I hear you saying is, my idea was unwise?

Husband (as the Speaker): Not exactly. I’d love to have a new vehicle. It’s just that I was looking at prices, and what you were suggesting doesn’t fit in our budget.

Wife (as the Listener): In other words, you like the idea of a new minivan, but don’t think we can afford it?

Husband (as the Speaker): Exactly.

Wife (switching roles; now becomes the Speaker): Well, the reason why I wanted a new minivan is because it would be safer for us and the kids, and it’s hard to put a price on safety.

Husband (as the Listener): So, the reason why you wanted a new one is because you think it would be safer than a used vehicle?

Wife (as the Speaker): Yes, it would have all the latest safety features and would be less likely to break down and leave us stranded. And when you say I should be driving an old car, it seems like you don’t care about my safety.

Husband (as the Listener): You feel like I don’t care about what happens to you?

Wife (as the Speaker): Kind of, yeah.

Husband (switching roles; becomes the Speaker again): I’m sorry I gave that impression. I care very much what happens to you. I just don’t think there’s that big a difference in safety between a new vehicle and a used one, but there is a big difference in price. And we wouldn’t get an “old car”; just one that isn’t brand new.

Wife (as the Listener): So, you’re saying that we have different impressions of how safe a used car is, and that you thought we’d get one that wasn’t very old?

Husband (as the Speaker): That’s right.

Notice that the Speaker-Listener technique doesn’t automatically resolve the conflict or “win” the argument for either side; that’s not the goal. Instead, the goal is mutual understanding. It is only when you actually understand each other that you can work together to fix the problem.

Using Speaker-Listener by Yourself

The Speaker-Listener technique is designed to be used by both people in the conversation; both sides are supposed to know and follow the rules. Because it is rather simple and easy to learn, you can quickly teach it to your spouse, family members, or anyone else you work closely with. (You could just forward them this article!)

However, what if you are in a tough conversation with someone who doesn’t know the technique? Maybe it’s a pastoral situation with someone you don’t really know, or a conflict with a member of your congregation. You are probably not going to stop and teach them a set of rules.

The Speaker-Listener technique is still at least somewhat useful in those situations. You can still fulfill the Listener role yourself, regardless of what the other person does. By actively listening and then paraphrasing back what they say, you can ensure that you understand them and that they feel understood. Even though the other person might not return the favor, humbly hearing someone out and helping them feel heard can go a long way in deescalating conflict and resolving disagreements.

Mutual Understanding Is The Goal

Church leaders are often known for being good speakers, but being a good listener is probably the more valuable skill. It’s worth putting in the extra time and fighting through a little awkwardness in order to achieve mutual understanding and skip avoidable conflict. When you listen, really listen, and confirm that you’ve understood correctly. It’s a great tool in shepherding your church and your family.

About The Author

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