Stop Arguing: The Speaker-Listener Technique

Have you ever felt stuck in an argument that goes around and around in circles, or a discussion where you end up feeling less understood than before you started? It can (and often does) happen even with the people who should know you best, such as your spouse or children.
Our natural sin tendencies and negative communication patterns muddy the waters of clear understanding. One side doesn’t really hear what the other side is trying to say, and often misinterprets it in the most negative way possible.

If you want to get unstuck and end these unproductive arguments, you’re going to have to try a different way of communicating. We’re not talking about smoke signals or semaphore; just a simple method to use in conversations when you really need to understand each other. It’s called “the Speaker-Listener technique,” and it takes just a few minutes to learn.

What is the Speaker-Listener Technique?

The Speaker-Listener technique (developed by Scott Stanley and friends in Fighting for Your Marriage and A Lasting Promise) gives structure to conversations. A form of active listening, the Speaker-Listener technique has each person take turns as both the “speaker” and the “listener,” while following a few simple rules for each role. By doing so, you can ensure that both people are fully heard and understood.

The Speaker-Listener technique works because it aligns with what God’s Word has to say about communication. The Bible tells us to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry (James 1:19). It says that we should listen to (Proverbs 18:13) and understand (Proverbs 18:2) each other before responding. This technique is an effective way to put that into practice.

Speaker-Listener Technique Rules

Here are the “rules” that define how the Speaker-Listener technique works:

For Both People:

• At any given time, one person plays the role of “Speaker” and one the role of “Listener.” Whoever is currently the “Speaker” has the floor.
• Over the course of a conversation, the floor should be shared equally between both people. Each of you take turns being the Speaker and the Listener.

For the Speaker:

• Articulate what you, yourself, are feeling and thinking. Don’t put words into the other person’s mouth or make assumptions about what they are feeling or thinking. Speak for yourself and rely on “I” statements when conveying information.
• Keep things short and to the point.
• Stop often and allow the Listener to paraphrase your thoughts as they heard them.
• After the Listener paraphrases your thoughts, either confirm that they heard you correctly or clarify if it appears they are misinterpreting you or missing something you meant to communicate.
• Continue this process until you feel understood as the Speaker.

For the Listener:

• Actively listen to the Speaker. Fight to the urge to zone out or spend your time preparing a response.
• Don’t interrupt, provide rebuttal, or defend yourself and your actions. That also extends to non-verbal communication: avoid rolling your eyes, sighing, or using other body language to show that you disagree with the Speaker or do not respect their opinion.
• After the Speaker finishes a thought and pauses, paraphrase back what you heard them say in your own words.
• Once you understand the Speaker’s perspective, and both of you agree that they are being heard correctly, switch places. You become the Speaker, and they become the Listener.

Speaker-Listener Example

So, what does this look like in practice?

Let’s use an example of something that often causes disagreements in marriage: financial decisions. Arguments over hot-button topics like finances can easily get messy, with spouses getting emotional, talking over each other, and assuming the worst instead of believing the best about each other. The Speaker-Listener technique helps you avoid those pitfalls.

Here is how a discussion might go when using the Speaker-Listener technique:

Husband (as the Speaker): I know you said you wanted to get a new minivan, but I think it would be wiser to get a used car instead.

Wife (as the Listener): So, what I hear you saying is, my idea was unwise?

Husband (as the Speaker): Not exactly. I’d love to have a new vehicle. It’s just that I was looking at prices, and what you were suggesting doesn’t fit in our budget.

Wife (as the Listener): In other words, you like the idea of a new minivan, but don’t think we can afford it?

Husband (as the Speaker): Exactly.

Wife (switching roles; now becomes the Speaker): Well, the reason why I wanted a new minivan is because it would be safer for us and the kids, and it’s hard to put a price on safety.

Husband (as the Listener): So, the reason why you wanted a new one is because you think it would be safer than a used vehicle?

Wife (as the Speaker): Yes, it would have all the latest safety features, and would be less likely to break down and leave us stranded. And when you say I should be driving an old car, it seems like you don’t care about my safety.

Husband (as the Listener): You feel like I don’t care about what happens to you?

Wife (as the Speaker): Pretty much.

Husband (switching roles; becomes the Speaker again): I’m sorry I gave that impression. I care very much what happens to you. I just don’t think there’s that big a difference in safety between a new vehicle and a used one, but there is a big difference in price. And we wouldn’t get an “old car”; just one that isn’t brand new.

Wife (as the Listener): So, you’re saying that we have different impressions of how safe a used car is, and that you thought we’d get one that wasn’t very old?

Husband (as the Speaker): That’s right.

That wouldn’t be the end of the conversation, but you get the idea.

Notice that the Speaker-Listener technique doesn’t automatically resolve the conflict or “win” the argument for either side; that’s not the goal. Instead, the goal is mutual understanding. It is only when you actually understand each other that you can work together to fix the problem.

Using the Speaker-Listener by Yourself

The Speaker-Listener technique is designed to be used by both people in the conversation; both sides are supposed to know and follow the rules. Because it is rather simple and easy to learn, you can quickly teach it to your spouse, family members, or anyone else you work closely with. (In fact, all you really have to do is forward this article to them.)

However, what if you are in a tough conversation with someone who doesn’t know the technique? Maybe it’s a pastoral situation with someone you don’t really know, or a conflict with a member of your congregation. You are probably not going to stop and teach them a set of rules. (You could do that; it’s just that it would likely be awkward.)

The Speaker-Listener technique is still at least somewhat useful in those situations. You can still fulfill the Listener role yourself, regardless of what the other person does. By actively listening and then paraphrasing back what they say, you can ensure that you understand them and that they feel understood. Even though the other person might not return the favor, humbly hearing someone out and helping them feel heard can go a long way in deescalating conflict and resolving disagreements.

Church leaders are often known for being good speakers, though it takes time and practice to become good at speaking. Becoming a good listener is a far easier task, yet it can be just as useful in shepherding your church and your family.