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The best thing you can do
As a pastor, one of the best things you can do for your church is to work on your marriage.
It’s emphasized regularly to staff members at Watermark that our most important ministry is at home. There’s a reason why Titus 1:6 and 1 Timothy 3:2-12 list being “the husband of one wife” and managing your own household well as prerequisites for serving as an Elder or deacon. And you’re not going to be a very effective church leader if your prayers are hindered (1 Peter 3:7) due to your ineffectiveness at home.
There are a few reasons why having a healthy marriage leads to having a healthier church:
Marriage Is an Example That People Will Follow
As a minister of the gospel, your marriage should be a reflection of the truth of the gospel (Ephesians 5:22-33). As a husband, you should love your wife the way Christ loved the church. As a wife, you should submit to your husband as the church submits to Christ. Together, your covenant commitment to each other should be a picture of God’s covenant with us (Jeremiah 31:31-34).
People will imitate you in everything, including how you love and serve your spouse (Hebrews 13:7). A great marriage can also be attractive to people outside the church, serving as a means to draw others into the fold and into a relationship with Christ (John 13:35; 1 Peter 3:15).
It is also hard to counsel couples and help other people with their marriages if you are not first practicing what you preach. By getting the log out of your own eye when it comes to marriage, you can better see how to lead others in doing the same (Matthew 7:5).
Marriage Is the Building Block of Your Church
Because people follow your example, your own marriage affects other marriages within the church. And marriages are the building blocks of any church. A church is made up of families, and a healthy, Christ-centered marriage is the best foundation for a strong family.
Having a healthy marriage affects more than just the two spouses involved. Children get their sense of security from the love and commitment between their parents. The more stable a marriage is, the safer and happier they will be. Kids also learn from their parents through observation (and explicit teaching) how to resolve conflict, forgive, and show the love of Christ to others. Those lessons stay with them throughout their lives (Proverbs 22:6), so marriages also shape unmarried adults of any age.
Marriage Helps You More Fully Follow Christ
Martin Luther once said that he learned more about what it means to be a follower of Christ in his marriage than he did in a monastery. In a monastery, one can isolate. But in a marriage, there is no place to hide.
Marriage essentially provides a full-length mirror that highlights any areas in which you are falling short in your Christian walk. In order for your marriage to be healthy, you must practice selflessness, forgiveness, grace, conflict resolution, commitment, and unconditional love—and experience those in return from your spouse. Proverbs 27:17 says that “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.” There is no other human relationship that naturally provides as much “sharpening” as marriage.
Healthy Leadership
In marriage, two people become “one flesh” (Mark 10:8). Together, you comprise one unit. That means you and your spouse are really leading your church together. If your marriage is unhealthy, then your church’s leadership is unhealthy. And if your church’s leadership is unhealthy, fixing that problem should be your first priority.
Pour into your own family first, and then serve the rest of the church from that overflow. If you need help working on your marriage (or helping congregants work on theirs), check out reengage.org.
