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Marriage Enrichment

Re|engage

Lesson 10: Expectations Leader's Guide

KEY CONCEPT

Recognize and communicate expectations.

The goal of this lesson is first to help couples see that expectations are often a major source of conflict in marriage, then build a paradigm for how they handle expectations and how best to respond to unmet expectations.

QUESTION HIGHLIGHTS

  • Q2: This is a good place to camp as it brings into the light topics that have been long-standing, and perhaps ignored. In conjunction with Q3 you can help couples see a better way.

    - Make note of any sore spots where the husband and wife do not agree (i.e., one thinks it is a problem but the other minimizes it) and help them align on a topic to tackle together.

    - Since this question references communication (Lesson 5), it might be a good opportunity to take a checkpoint on communication. Ask couples how they are doing at avoiding negative patterns and embracing constructive patterns. Share an example of how you and your spouse got sideways this week and how you recovered from it. Couples can never have too many healthy examples!

  • Q4: This lesson can churn up a lot of dirt so this question is a great way to end the meeting and provide positive energy in the group. It will help participants show gratitude for their spouse and remind them of the positive qualities they fell in love with in the first place.

REMINDERS

  • Spend time discussing the results of the Unmet Expectations exercise. The exercise will help participants see the source of their expectations and allow them to critically assess whether expectations are reasonable or not. Because the exercise does not focus entirely on marriage it will help participants apply this principle beyond just their marriage. Some questions to ask the group:

    - What challenged you in determining the source of your unmet expectations?
    - Where were you surprised at the source of an unmet expectation?
    - What’s an example of an unreasonable expectation that you identified? What needs to change?

  • Reinforce the last paragraph of the lesson, specifically Psalm 73:25-26 and the idea that only God can fill your needs perfectly. Unmet expectations in marriage are a reality, so use them as a way to grow closer to God and your spouse rather than pushing you apart.

  • It is never too early to start developing future leaders. By this point in the life of the group, there may be a couple that you sense is “leader material”. Consider letting them facilitate a portion of the discussion during this or an upcoming lesson. Just by asking you will encourage them! If they accept your invitation to facilitate, you may want to share that lesson’s leader guide to help them feel better prepared. Afterwards debrief with them to see how they felt about the experience and to gauge their interest in doing it again.

  • This is a great week to remind participants that the group will be over in a few weeks. Ask them to start thinking through their next steps as a couple when the group ends. Some couples are already getting anxious about what might happen post-group, so bring it into the light. This gives couples runway before the group ends to think through what is best for their situation. Consider reaching out to each couple to help them process.

DID YOU KNOW?

There is a folder of resources called Intermediate Training for leaders who are ready to sharpen their skills. It includes topics like How To Have Hard Conversations, Responding To A Recurring Sin Struggle In Marriage, How To Respond To An Affair, Leader Resources For Abuse, and many more.