Lesson 6: Forgiveness Leader's Guide

KEY CONCEPT

Forgive your spouse as God forgave you.

The goal of this lesson is to correct some common misunderstandings about forgiveness, then to help couples develop a sound, biblical view of forgiveness. At its core, forgiveness is a decision to pardon an offense and give up the right to be repaid. It is a transaction between you and God that is independent of your spouse. This is a crucial lesson, especially for couples that are struggling because unforgiveness is often a big part of their story.

QUESTION HIGHLIGHTS

• Q1: Build time into your schedule to tackle this question. It is very important that participants challenge their misconceptions about forgiveness.

  - Some people will struggle with the idea that their spouse can be "let off the hook" if you forgive them without their admission of guilt or taking steps to make amends. A helpful word picture is “unforgiveness is like drinking a poison and expecting the other person to die”. If you hold onto unforgiveness it will destroy you, so a better plan is to give the debt to God and let him settle it. Make sure participants fully understand The Truth About Marriage in this lesson.

  - When forgiveness is conflated with making amends and reconciliation, it overwhelms some spouses and makes them reluctant to forgive. Once couples understand that forgiveness includes neither of those things, it often frees them up to forgive faster.

• Q4 & Action Item 2: Gently lean into the items listed in Action Item 2. Start with asking participants to share their reactions to seeing what their spouse wrote. Were they surprised? Encouraged? Frustrated? Each couple might be in a radically different place i.e., some may have struggled to list anything while others were mad that something did not make the list. This is an opportunity for leaders to listen with empathy. Some couples may have a long list so encourage them to take measured steps (i.e., don’t tackle all the harms at once).

• Action Item 3: A possible question to ask: Did anyone experience a change in their heart posture toward the offenses in Action Item 2 after praying the Forgiveness Prayer?

REMINDERS

• Take a minute to walk through the Introduction to Peacemaking, in particular the 3 stages. Remind participants that peacemaking is a process, and we will walk through it step-by-step over the next 3 lessons. Forgiveness is just one step in the process. Make sure you have watched the Lesson Preview video on Peacemaking to prep you for these next lessons.

• This lesson continues to reinforce the idea that participants need to stay inside their circle. Forgiveness happens directly between you and God and does not involve anyone outside your circle.

• The parable of the unmerciful servant (Matthew 18:21-35) is a great place to take participants. Matthew 18:21-22 is quoted in the margin so it is natural to say “let’s read the story that Jesus tells to emphasize his point.” You could ask participants to read this parable as extra homework before coming to group. The point to make is that each participant is receiving God’s forgiveness but then sometimes is not willing to extend it to their spouse. For anyone who says they cannot forgive their spouse, this parable should hit home.

• The Colossians 3 verse is a powerful reminder that forgiveness is a command, not an option. For those who struggle to forgive, point them to resources on the website about forgiveness, like “How Quickly Must I Grant Forgiveness?” and other verses like Ephesians 4:32.

• Have you scheduled a social gathering for your group yet? It will drive friendship, relatability, and authenticity.

DID YOU KNOW?

The Forgiveness Prayer comes from re:generation, which is a biblically-based discipleship program offering healing, recovery, and freedom from any type of struggle. This ministry is often a great next step for re|engage graduates!