FAQ: When making amends in Lesson 7, how do couples determine the repayment for an offense?

Background

Lesson 7 is on the topic of making amends. Amends is defined as “reparation or payment for a loss, damage, or injury of any kind; to pay back.” One of the steps in the lesson is for the offending spouse to repair the damage of their sin by humbly asking the offended spouse if the offender can do anything to make up for the hurt caused.

If I offend my neighbor by running over his mailbox with my truck, repayment clearly means installing a new mailbox. But what does repayment look like in the context of the marriage relationship?

Is Repayment Biblical?

First, is repayment a biblical concept? Consider examples like:

• In Luke 19, Zacchaeus pays back four times the amount he had stolen.
• Exodus 22 and Leviticus 6 show examples where someone wronged is owed restitution.
• Romans 13:8 – “We are to owe no one anything, except to love each other, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law.”

Yes, it is biblical to pay back for a loss. But these examples involve physical loss. What about emotional or relational loss, as is often the case in marriage?

Repayment In the Context of Marriage

The goal of repayment is not to quantify how much damage was caused and pay back pound for pound. In fact, it is likely the offender cannot make up for the hurt caused. The goal is to help heal the relationship.

The offender’s responsibility is to humbly ask if there is anything they can do to make up for the hurt they’ve caused. This posture conveys humility, contrition, and a willingness to make things right. Repayment is not trying to buy my spouse’s forgiveness with jewelry or a bedroom favor, but to make thoughtful amends such as:

• If a wife makes a sharp remark to her husband in front of others, she might offer to sit down with the witnesses and own her sin.
• If a husband broke his promise to be home at a certain time to watch the kids, he might offer to keep the kids for an evening so his wife can have a night out with friends.
• In the what-to-do example in the margin on page 52, a husband who has been chronically prioritizing work over family proposes time away as a couple.

The more trust has been built in the marriage relationship, the less often repayment comes into play. Where both spouses love Jesus, love each other, and want the best for each other, sin is seen as a temporary setback. Once the offense is confessed and forgiven, such couples are often able to move forward without discussing repayment.

When Repayment is Misused

Where less trust exists in the marriage relationship, the offended spouse might demand repayment. This could be an indication they have not forgiven the offense. We are to forgive as we’ve been forgiven, which means the debt has been released to God and we will not demand repayment. Otherwise, it is a misunderstanding of the parable of the unmerciful servant (Matthew 18:21-35) where God forgave us a tremendous debt. How can we then turn around and demand repayment for a much smaller offense?

There may also be situations where the offended spouse demands more than is reasonable or possible. Or perhaps the offender is just going through the motions without a true heartfelt repentance.

For instances such as these, move to conflict resolution. Widen the circle to trusted counselors who can help give wise biblical counsel in what type of repayment, if any, is appropriate. Reconciliation really needs to happen on God’s terms, not our own, so when there is disagreement about what it takes to be reconciled, we need counsel from his word and his people.